The Tricky Mind: Why You Don’t Meditate
Photo by Trollinho on Unsplash
- "I'd like to spend my day reading a novel."
- "Oooh, that does sound lovely, doesn't it? But no, you can't."
- "Just for a bit then?"
- "Pleasurable and relaxing leisure time is for others, but not for you."
- "Look at that girl, just sitting with a book in the coffee shop. She was there earlier too!"
- "You have too much to do. Maybe another time, but not today."
- "You are right. I don't know how others do this weekend thing. I haven't gotten through enough on my to-do list. Just look how long it is! Not time to rest yet."
A mean mommy, you're thinking? Nope... this has been the internal "dialogue" in my mind on any given day for most of my life. Some version of, "I'd like to take this 75-minute yoga class!" - "Too much to do - take this 45-minute one instead!" Etcetera. Etcetera.
I wrote that down, and re-reading it realized how preposterous and absurd that dialogue sounds. At least my rational mind sees that. This is my inner voice as my conversation partner, and it is strong! For much of my life, I have mostly been landing at the same conclusion to the conversation. "Yes, you're right, enjoyment of free time isn't for me." Much of this happens subconsciously, of course. Most of the time, I don't really hear that inner voice giving me instructions. It's just how I operate habitually. Go, go, go, make a list, get it done, be always in a hurry and always busy.
As crazy as this discourse may sound, I know many, many people who have some version of this exact conversation going on inside their heads too. They may not have tried to write down the dialogue, of course, so they may not be conscious of this habitual pattern. But it's there -- these are the people that are always too busy to take some time for themselves.
The message is obvious, once I start making the dialogue conscious. "You" ... (that is "I") ... "are not good enough, and in order to be good enough, you have to accomplish more, get through to the end of the to-do list."
"OK mind... so what happens if I don't actually get to the bottom of this to-do list?" -- "Well, then you have tangible evidence that you're not good enough, in the form of unchecked boxes. The world won't end, but you yourself will know, deep down, that you fell short, again."
Oh, and there's a catch. That same inner voice also does a sneaky good job of making sure that the to-do list is always of unrealistic length. Sure, a lot is going on. But let's not just tackle that list, let's also underestimate how long everything will take, so that the marching orders are forever unattainable and leisure time looks forever out of reach. Let's be dissatisfied with the number of hours in the day and resist this time finiteness by attempting more than is reasonable. Bottom line: "You will never be good enough, actually! Gotcha!"
With this approach to life, the danger is that enjoyment is taken right out of everything that I do. I'm prone to being in a rush, since I've underestimated how long something will take. I can rarely savor what I'm doing. In the extreme, life just becomes a project to do, a burden to contend with. In principle, most of what I choose to do are things I enjoy doing. I like my job, I like teaching, I like cooking, and gardening, and also reading books. But task-to-task, I'm a can't-relax machine.
What does this have to do with you and your meditation practice? When we feel this way, the first thing that suffers is our self-care. This kind of dialogue prevents us from sticking to meditation, or any other good habit we want to implement. Especially if the activity in question requires pausing the doing, thereby (a) jeopardizing the to-do list even further, and (b) requiring us to actually face this mind's voice. So you come to your yoga mat or meditation cushion, and the mind, consciously or not, is afraid, because you have so much to do, and because you might actually figure out what it's doing and seek change. And it forces you to walk away.
I often refer to this inner discussion as just mind tricks, illusions. But I realize that while they are, of course, illusions -- the message isn't true people! -- it's not as simple as saying "this is a trick" and slowing down. We have to actually recognize and face the underlying message, which is a full-on rejection of myself as I am.
Thankfully, I have started to hear that voice consciously more and more, and by exploring it, I might be starting to break the spell. Suddenly, I'm making it possible to change the conclusion of the conversation, from "you're right, I don't deserve this rest time" to "I don't believe you." It's a huge work in progress, because as I said, it's still subconscious and habitual most of the time. But!! I have started to think much more carefully about my to-do list and at least try to remember to keep it reasonable. And when I can't - because life gets in the way of plans, as we know - I can at least remind myself that I have now seen both the falseness of the message, and the futility of the approach.
So take a deep breath and repeat after me: "One step at a time." We'll never get through the to-do list, and that's totally OK. Then, sit down for your meditation. Repeat daily. And when the work is done, sit and read your book. And for goodness' sake, take the 75-minute yoga class! You have nothing to prove.