Notes From Inside Silence
Earlier this month, I spent four days at a silent meditation retreat. In the midst of what feels like a particularly heavy time, it gave me an injection of joy and inspiration. When I mention silence to people, they often react with a mixture of interest and conviction that silence is not something they could handle. I decided to share my experience with you, to demystify and perhaps intrigue you enough to try your own silence practice.
What is silence practice?
Contrary to one common reaction that I get, “I live alone so I’m in silence all the time” is not related to the silence practice that I am describing. When we are not talking, our voice is silent, but our mind is just as busy as ever, engaging in external stimuli, intellectual activity, or just plain old evaluation, analysis, judgment, criticism -- sound familiar? The silence practice, in contrast, brings peace to the mind itself. As you practice silence, the conversation naturally quiets not only outwardly, but also inwardly. Those voices in our heads begin to calm, giving us glimpses of a deeper, more peaceful place within. As the mind begins to rest, we discover an inner place of wellness independent from the external world. In addition, our intuition and inner wisdom can speak up and be heard, and we might arrive at some new levels of understanding of ourselves, our lives, our world. At the core of it all is connection to our essence, to the spark within ourselves underneath the outer layers that always so engage us.
The experience of a silence retreat, as taught in the Himalayan tradition that I follow and teach, is quite structured. You rise before 6am, and two hours of guided practices follow before breakfast -- early morning yoga, breathing practices, relaxation, and meditation. There are three other such blocks of formal guided practices in the day, so you are guided for seven to eight hours per day. In the breaks, the activities encouraged are mindful walking and hiking, journaling, inspirational reading, and shorter meditation sessions. I add napping to that list.
This structured schedule is critical, since most of us, especially an analytical type like myself, would be lost without it. There is also discipline to it: if you want to experience silence and its benefits, if you want to progress in your self-knowledge, you have to put in the effort. This kind of discipline is motivating to me.
This structure also allows anyone to begin right where they are, without previous experience. You’re given all the tools and guidance that you need. In meditation, breath and mantra are two tools to help the mind focused, and this goes for the entire day in the retreat: as the mind wanders, and of course it does, you remember and bring it back to the focal points of breath and mantra. These are powerful and fairly easy anchors to keep coming back to. So, you just start wherever you are, one breath at a time, and you’re reminded to be gentle with yourself. When I first began doing these retreats, it was not easy for my mind, as I have written previously. But after that first time, dipping into silence (for two to nine days) became an unparalleled refuge, a source of joy and a recharge. The message here is: if I could get there, anyone can.
My experience this time around
I came away from this retreat feeling inspired and having written probably 25 large pages in my journal, which, coupled with silence, led me to some clarity and insights about myself, but not right away. On the first day, my mind was pretty busy. Since we’re living in the pandemic and during such a chaotic and divisive time, I arrived at the retreat with a heavy mind and heart. As I started to delve into the practices, I saw that my mind was dwelling on a couple of recent situations and conflicts, responding with its usual mix of analysis and judgment and resentment, and this mind activity was impacting me emotionally too. Michael Singer teaches, “You’re not the voice of the mind, you’re the one that hears it,” but try remembering that while rehashing some situation where someone just pushed your buttons! The very fact that these situations were rising to the surface so much was an opportunity to learn, and in silence you notice this kind of thing more. I journaled about them, asking honestly: why am I so bothered? This helped dissolve my reactions and engagement with the situations. As I continued to delve into periods of relaxation and meditation, the background chatter was still largely there on the first day, and I kept thinking about the cold brew I’d get on my way out of the retreat center on the last day. Mmmmm Starbucks…
On days 2 and 3 the mind was naturally settling down. The teachers say, and I find this to be true, that as you get deeper in meditation, your appetites quiet. This happened quite literally for me. By the end of the second day, I was no longer going for seconds during meals - it turned out I didn’t need them. I wasn’t thinking about that cold brew so much either. I was starting to let go of some of the surface chatter and situational analysis. The retreat teachers were counseling that as we synchronize our busy minds, bodies, and breath in practices like mindful walking, our higher mind frees up to ponder some of our bigger questions. Questions like “Why does this person push my buttons, and how can I engage most constructively?” and “If I want to be less judgmental in my life, what do I need to change about myself?” These kinds of questions were starting to arise for me. In the day-to-day, there’s not always time to tune into these deeper themes, discern what’s foremost on the mind - but silence allows this deeper inquiry to blossom. Then, the mind goes in circles or gets stuck, at which point you come back to your breath and mantra, and then the train of thought is picked up again at some point. You also learn to push less in meditation, to surrender control, to allow it to happen naturally. Each obstacle that comes is simply a lesson, not an invitation for judgment or evidence that you’re bad at this.
I was still feeling heavy. In past silent retreats, I would sometimes just fall straight into Joy when I got into silence, even with the chattering mind, because the energy is so delightful inside this quiet place. In this case, the burdens of the world and my mind seemed heavier than ever, and it seemed like joy was not really forthcoming. So underneath it all, there was a tinge of sadness, distilling to reveal my pain at the state of the world, and a suspicion that returning back to daily life would be depressing.
But eventually that heaviness lifted too. When the COVID lockdown started, my first thought was “I better dig deeper into meditation”, followed by “I will share this with others”. Now, again, I had the realization that my meditation practices had to be at the core of my life, so that as I became a more peaceful presence (for example, less judgmental), I could bring that peace and healing to others too. Out of that realization did come a whole lot of inspiration and joy. Indeed, we finish every meditation with the resolve that any benefits of our practice should go to all beings that are suffering, so their suffering may be alleviated and they may be enlightened. I am inspired by that resolve, and I know what I need to do. Hence this website and this blog post, to start.
How do you begin practicing silence?
The silence practice actually begins with our daily meditation practice. I can teach you how, starting with our weekly sessions and my other online offerings. You can also cultivate silence in 2-minute intervals throughout the day, by just pausing and guiding your mind away from the fluctuations of the world, and to your own breath. If I could do it, so can you.